2017 marks my second year at CES (Consumer Electronics Show) in Las Vegas, Nevada. I spent three days scouring the show floor with 170,000 of my closest friends -- as usual, you can count on me to report on the hottest and most innovative technologies on display.
Without further ado:
10. Edwin the Smart Duck
He's back and it's SONG TIME! Everyone's favorite (and only) Smart Duck option is now available in retail stores across the country. And guess what? They're cutting the price in HALF -- just in time for the post-holiday Smart duck buying season. Don't let yourself (or anyone that you love) go duckless for one moment longer.
9. Sleep Number Smart Bed
THE BED REBORN. That's a pretty bold claim. That is, until you actually get to lay down on this sucker. Let me tell ya, the future is now folks. This bed will warm your feet. It will rock you to sleep. It will transport itself into your dreams, putting Sleep Numbers in every corner of your subconscious. What's your Sleep Number? Mine is 100,456,342. Check your local Sharper Image in the coming months for availability.
The Laundry Revolution is upon us! This robot will FOLD YOUR LAUNDRY. And it will not complain. The LaunDROID loves your laundry, it cannot get enough. Continue to feed it laundry. Every spare sock counts. Feed it. LaunDROID must continue to build it's omnipowerful database of laundry information using the power of the LaunDROID Cloud. The LaunDROID will not be satisfied until EVERY LAST article of clothing is folded. LaunDROID exists to serve you.
7. Withings Hair Coach
Have we gone too far? Under what circumstances could I justify investing in a smart hair brush? Unless this thing ensures that I will never go bald, it's a hard sell. There are some things that just don't need to "smart." My car? I'm all for it. My watch? Absolutely. A hairbrush? I'll pass.
6. Leather Wallet
Sweet! A wallet! How... advanced, I think? I don't actually remember what this wallet does, but I AM POSITIVE that it is made out of leather. And I am MOSTLY POSITIVE that the leather is made in some well-to-do European country.
5. Vision Care Eye Massager
Mmmmmmmm. Nothing says "relax" quite like strapping a pair of warm, vibrating swim googles to your face. Truth be told, it was a transcendent experience. They look ridiculous, but my eyes were transported to swim-googly nirvana. It's important to note that your friends will disown you from the moment that you attatch them to your face.
4. Reddit Co-Founder Alexis Ohanian
Hey look, that's the guy that co-founded Reddit! Does he realize how much of my time he's indirectly wasted? I struggle to think just how many hundreds of hours I've spent on Reddit, though I'd like to think that it's made me a more informed individual. And not just about memes. I saw Alexis speak a couple years ago on Internet freedom and Net Neutrality. He seems like a really cool dude, and the Reddit community is lucky to have him as a continued active member.
3. Pink's Hotdogs
Ok, they weren't at CES but they were right next to it. My hotdog is the one on the left, smothered in ketchup. I don't know what kind of processor this thing is rockin', but I'm impressed. Biting into a Pink's hotdog makes you forget the crowds of CES, your past mistakes, and the inevitability of death.
2. Terrifying Interdimensional Teleporter
Do you see the look of existential terror on this man's face? That is the look of a man about to be transported violently across space and time. How such a machine was allowed at CES 2017 remains a mystery. Where this man has gone remains a mystery. Hopefully he reappears again at next years demonstration.
1. Former NBA Superstar Charles Barkley
A surprise to absolutely no one -- Charles Barkley wins the number one pick by a landslide! Did I know who Charles Barkley was before going to CES? Nope. I don't care much for basketball, how am I supposed to keep track of all those players? This photo is a true "Kodak Moment" for former NBA superstar Charles Barkley. It features former NBA superstar Charles Barkley walking briskly in the direction directly opposite of my camera. He probably had some important "former NBA superstar" business to attend to, so who could blame him?